Monday, January 14, 2008

Selected Excerpts From Scholarship Essays

Why are you majoring in your chosen field of science, and what are your career goals?

I am majoring in biology because I'm extremely selfish. For the past ten years there has been a cacophonous outcry to denounce something I believe is called “Global Warming.” From what I understand this Global Warming thing is bad. It’s so bad that it may actually destroy the world. And not just the bad parts of the world: the whole thing.

According to Global Warming could displace 200 million people by 2080. This is awful because in 2080 I’ll be looking to retire in Miami or Palm Beach and that little tidbit’o’doom implies my future beach-side condo may be somewhat underwater. Or worse, teeming with 200 million displaced persons!

According to the US National Academy of Sciences, the Earth’s surface temperature has risen by about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century, with accelerated warming during the past two decades. To many, that’s not a whole lot, but those people have likely never spent a summer in Albuquerque, NM. After your fifth Popsicle of the day, or a dip in the inflatable kiddie pool that you stole from your neighbor’s kids, you’ll be cursing every single degree of that heat.

According to, the undeniable authority on all information, ever, “Global Warming effects may include changes in agricultural yields, addition of new trade routes, reduced summer streamflows, species extinctions, and increases in the range of disease vectors.” This factoid scares me most of all. Summer streamflows provide me with a very important resource. Fishing. And that is just not something I am willing to yield to this universal terrorist.

That said, my career goals are as follows: First I will study this “Global Warming.” I will learn as much as I can including but not limited to it’s habits, it’s daily activities, where it sleeps at night, and, maybe most importantly, it’s weaknesses. And then I will kill it.

How will a StraightForward Media Science Scholarship help you meet your educational and professional goals?

It has recently come to my attention that science, in general, does not pay well. Unfortunately, that shatters my plan “A” to slow the destruction of the world, which was to bribe everyone on the planet to stop polluting. This also means that I may be a bit strapped for sweet, sweet cash in the future years of my education.

This scholarship would help in many ways. I would be freer to pursue voluntary research opportunities. I would be able to spend time on schoolwork. I would be able to see said schoolwork because I would be able to pay the electric bill. I would have said electric bill because I could afford to live in a house instead of a cave in Los Alamos. I would also be able to acquire items that are supposed to be the bee’s knees as far as school is concerned. I hear pencils and pens, folders, books, and writing paper (all recycled, of course) are really helpful in a higher education setting.

And maybe towards the end of my studies, if I have left over funds, I would construct a giant net in which to catch Global Warming, alive if possible, so I could interrogate it about it’s known associates: Poverty, Disease, and Osama Bin Laden.

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