College Booths

At any given time there are several events being held on a university campus. Recruiting, advertising, celebrating, and organizing are all common themes to the little stands trying to vie for attention as we walk between classes. I currently have two favorite booths.

My second favorite are the "free stuff" guys. Guess what they do? They give away free stuff. I'm sure they do it for some reason like campaigning for their favorite political candidate or AIDS awareness or some craziness like that. I don't know, I've never gone near them. They hand out crap. I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful to the guys that give away free stuff, but all they're pitching at me is Ramen noodles and toilet paper.

I'm a poor college student; those are the only things I can afford. Oh gee, now that I have free noodles I can takes that 29 cents I just saved and go buy a new iPod. I'll take "Things That Aren't True" for 300, Alex. The time it takes me to change my path and walk 6 feet out of my way is not worth one roll of gravel-textured toilet paper.

Also, when I walk by them, I get these weird flashbacks of my mom telling me not to take candy (and she may have mentioned Ramen) from creepy strangers.

Finally, it would probably help if they didn't bring the free things to campus in a heavily tinted, rust-covered pedo-van.

My new all time, never to be topped favorite booth was one I saw today. (Note: I always get weirded out when I use was and saw in the same sentence. A palindrome once ran over my dog.) I was walking to class and saw a pro-choice stand, which in itself wasn't really out of place: there's political propaganda all over the school. After I'd gone by it, I stopped, turned around and went back to catch the name of the club so I could mention it here (which I failed at because it turns out I didn't care enough).

The weird thing that struck me was that they were luring people to the stand with a piñata. A stand advocating abortion rights was publicizing with a piñata. Think about it. The piñata was in the shape of a little gnome or something, but all I could see when I saw it was a pregnant girl. I asked a friend of mine who happened to be standing there if she thought it inappropriate that a pro-choice stand was using a bat to hit a humanoid effigy in the stomach in order to make the contents spill out the bottom. The irony was lost on her, so maybe I'm over analyzing, but I really felt like it wasn't the most well thought out advertising tool.

Something New

Hello everyone. Just an update into my life (which, for all you new faces out there is that of a 23 year old freshman who is questionably employed and lives off checks that the government forgot to stop sending him). I started school again. And that’s… the end of the sentence. Maybe I’m just a naturally critical person because as much as I missed school when I was forced to stay away from it, I still feel a pretty strong sense of disappointment when I’m there. Kind of like the way our parents felt when our generation grew up.

I do like some stuff. I guess my classes are pretty decent. And I like puppies, but the people at UNM are ridiculous. Some of the stuff I hear the students say is just absurd, and not in the Andy Kaufman sort of way, more like the way in which the Iraq War Budget is absurd. Sometimes I can’t talk for a good 5 minutes because someone makes a really dumb comment and I’m so shocked that I just sit there with my mouth hanging open and stare at them and think “Seriously? No, seriously?” I actually think some of my classmates think I’m slow because of the blank stare I adopt when I do this. Maybe it’s the drooling.

To be fair though, it’s not just the questions people ask and the stupid things they think up and decide to share with the class. I’m not shallow enough to just judge people on their minds and personalities. I also hate they way everyone is dressed. I’m not saying that I’m the height of fashion. After all, I still wear aviator sunglasses, second hand shirts, cargo pants (I use the freaking pockets, alright?), and running shoes everywhere I go, so I don’t feel all upper class but some of the stuff my peers walk around in is just criminal. The one that really irks me the most is the large glasses that girls wear. These have to be the worst fashion craze ever in the history of mankind (I’m talking to you Paris). How am I supposed to adequately objectify a woman if half of her face is covered? In a society that uses a female’s physical attractiveness as an advancement criterion, why do we allow them to mask 60 percent of their face under huge lenses? You know, I’m pretty sure Iranian women were into this trend a couple of centuries ago. Sure they had equal pay, but look how they dress now. Slippery slope my friends, slippery slope.

The other fashionable thing these days that makes me want to karate chop a baby penguin in the face is the way some guys will cant their hats up and to the side. Why do you people do that? Maybe just the top of your head gets sunburned and you like a wide field of view. Maybe it’s some sort of secret signal that only other super-cool white hip-hop douchebag guys can interpret that signifies some sort of membership in a selective club. Some sort of brotherhood… hmmm.

So yeah. College is good I suppose. My brother is trying the get me to report more of my life and feelings. It’s hard to find the time though since I’m taking a full load of courses, working (that should be in quote marks probably), and also starting some extracurricular programs (Straightening Hat Brims National, etc). I’ll try though. Try like… um. Shoot I thought a cool metaphor would end this nicely. Try like a squid?

Conversation With Automated Scholarship Help

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Selected Excerpts From Scholarship Essays

Why are you majoring in your chosen field of science, and what are your career goals?

I am majoring in biology because I'm extremely selfish. For the past ten years there has been a cacophonous outcry to denounce something I believe is called “Global Warming.” From what I understand this Global Warming thing is bad. It’s so bad that it may actually destroy the world. And not just the bad parts of the world: the whole thing.

According to environmentaldefense.org Global Warming could displace 200 million people by 2080. This is awful because in 2080 I’ll be looking to retire in Miami or Palm Beach and that little tidbit’o’doom implies my future beach-side condo may be somewhat underwater. Or worse, teeming with 200 million displaced persons!

According to the US National Academy of Sciences, the Earth’s surface temperature has risen by about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century, with accelerated warming during the past two decades. To many, that’s not a whole lot, but those people have likely never spent a summer in Albuquerque, NM. After your fifth Popsicle of the day, or a dip in the inflatable kiddie pool that you stole from your neighbor’s kids, you’ll be cursing every single degree of that heat.

According to Wikipedia.org, the undeniable authority on all information, ever, “Global Warming effects may include changes in agricultural yields, addition of new trade routes, reduced summer streamflows, species extinctions, and increases in the range of disease vectors.” This factoid scares me most of all. Summer streamflows provide me with a very important resource. Fishing. And that is just not something I am willing to yield to this universal terrorist.

That said, my career goals are as follows: First I will study this “Global Warming.” I will learn as much as I can including but not limited to it’s habits, it’s daily activities, where it sleeps at night, and, maybe most importantly, it’s weaknesses. And then I will kill it.

How will a StraightForward Media Science Scholarship help you meet your educational and professional goals?

It has recently come to my attention that science, in general, does not pay well. Unfortunately, that shatters my plan “A” to slow the destruction of the world, which was to bribe everyone on the planet to stop polluting. This also means that I may be a bit strapped for sweet, sweet cash in the future years of my education.

This scholarship would help in many ways. I would be freer to pursue voluntary research opportunities. I would be able to spend time on schoolwork. I would be able to see said schoolwork because I would be able to pay the electric bill. I would have said electric bill because I could afford to live in a house instead of a cave in Los Alamos. I would also be able to acquire items that are supposed to be the bee’s knees as far as school is concerned. I hear pencils and pens, folders, books, and writing paper (all recycled, of course) are really helpful in a higher education setting.

And maybe towards the end of my studies, if I have left over funds, I would construct a giant net in which to catch Global Warming, alive if possible, so I could interrogate it about it’s known associates: Poverty, Disease, and Osama Bin Laden.

Letters From Travels: Taking Orders

hello lots of people that i know.

i'm currently in south america, which is my excuse for poor punctuation and spelling. stupid latin keyboards. anyway, i've done heaps of cool stuff. in peru i sandboarded down some giant sand dunes, hiked to the bottom of the world's second deepest canyon (twice the depth of the grand and twice as fantastico), and island hopped in lake titicaca (yes it's a real lake, not just a dirty sounding word).

i'm in bolivia now. it's ecomony is a bit worse than peru and i hope to exploit that to the max. today i went biking down "the death road," the world's most dangerous road. don't worry, it was worth the risk because i got a t-shirt. i'm currently staying next to the witches market in la paz, so if anyone wants a llama fetus or love potion, now's the time to place orders.

el pocket lint

Letters From Iraq: Lasagna Day

Hi everyone. I'm still here in case you were wondering. I was prevented from writing to you all because of an impenetrable force I call "laziness." We've been less than active the past couple of months.

The most rewarding thing we've done was round up an entire town and ask them if they were terrorists. Apparently over a dozen of them said yes, further raising my suspicions about what our interpreters are actually saying to these people. Basically we went house to house and escorted the men to the school. At the first few houses we would walk in and I would say "America's here; we reek of freedom" because I thought it was funny. Sitting here in my air-conditioned room, I feel like the humor of that line was probably exaggerated by wearing 60 pounds of useless gear in a 120 degree heat.

On the plus side we've started packing up some of our gear to go home. I don't feel like it's my place to point out that we're going to be here for at least another month. I'm sure they have some bigger, grander scheme that I don't understand. That last sentence would be perfect for the new font I'm working on: "Times Sarcastic Roman."

Another thing that went well today was dinner. It was lasagna day. Every day should be lasagna day.

Oh! Here's something fun that has angered "he who is called Pocket Lint." Recently they put up signs that stated our allotted shower times. Apparently the base is going through some sort of water shortage and someone thought the problem could be remedied by demanding that people take showers at certain times during the day. Which would apparently decrease the amount of showers people take, I guess. Although, honestly I don't see how that would affect how many showers people take. Later that day I took the sign down. I still have it. I'm going to put it up in my house when I get home and tell my roommates that water conservation is in effect, Marine Corps style. The most ridiculous thing about this is that the base is still operating it's pool. I'm going to submit a plan that puts a couple of fountains on each camp inside the base, and to offset the water usage we'll set toilet hours.

But I'm definitely not angry about it. Because today was lasagna day. Lasagna day is always a good day.

El Pocket Lint

Letters From Iraq: Midway Through Deployment

Hi folks, just thought I’d give everyone a little update.

We’re now past the halfway mark of the deployment and in recognition the regimental command has stepped up their Herculean efforts to obliterate the remains of our long forgotten morale. Yesterday it was passed down that everyone on the camp that carries an M-16 rifle (or variation) must now carry it at the ready, instead of slung on their back. This is absurd because the camp is surrounded by a huge base, which hasn’t been attacked in years.

In addition, although the rifles must be carried ready to engage invisible ninja terrorists that could appear anywhere, it is against camp rules to carry the weapon loaded.

Luckily this doesn’t apply to those who made this new policy because they all carry pistols. I hope they wear a thick coat of ninja-repellant at all times.

On the upside, I’m becoming reacquainted with some of the Iraq wildlife that had been previously dormant due to seasonal remission. Camel spiders have recently been found wandering around the area we live. Camel spiders are huge, ugly, soul-consuming death machines that resemble spiders, but are in fact earthly manifestations of the devil himself.

One had posted itself outside the door of J., one of the Marines here. We can only assume that it was sucking his life-force out through the closed door, slowly turning him into some sort of living-dead. T., his pal, coming to borrow a movie, opened the door (it was dark, he initially didn’t notice the creature lurking in the shadows), saw it, and jumped back of the way, slamming the door in the process. J. came out to see what the commotion was, also saw the beast and retreated back to the safety of his room, fortifying himself bravely on a chair whilst screaming in order to confuse the animal’s senses.

T., acting on a moment of uncertainty, brought his foot down on its ferocious head in an attempt to stun it. He tried three times, twice being unsuccessful in damaging its outer shell. Finally, somewhat bashed in, we (I, along with a veritable mob, had appeared by this time) succeeded in pulling the fiend off the porch where we proceeded to light it on fire. This in itself was a task because as everyone knows, evil is resistant to fire. The proper additives had to be introduced in order to produce a suitable flame to cast the treacherous soul back to the nether-regions of hell.

First we soaked the writhing caprice in hand sanitizer (in order to cleanse the area with a lasting flame and also kill 99.9% of all germs). After that we prepared some body spray in order to produce a blowtorch effect to really get the blaze going. Lastly we threw some mouthwash on top of the solution for no purpose other than to provide the condemned minty breath. Then we lit it up. And that was the first camel spider we found this deployment.

Another little touching point I wanted to share with you didn’t actually come from me but I have been obsessing about it for a couple of days. Someone pointed out to me how perfect our large “7-ton” trucks are for anti-zombie operations.

The 7-tons are huge trucks (named 7-tons for their before armor weight) that are used mostly for troop and supply transport and heavy towing. The cargo area is raised about 6 feet off the ground and accessible by ladder only, creating a natural choke point when entering the back. The new versions have armor plates surrounding the bed preventing any intrusion from the sides or front (especially from the un-coordinated jerky movements of the undead). They have huge all-terrain tires that would be impervious to all human-sized bites and would easily crush a fairly hefty zombie. The vehicles all have built in air-compressors for emergency tire refills and fuel racks on the side to store extra gas to postpone unnecessary and often dangerous stops. The cab is encased in double paned bullet-proof glass impervious to the beatings of angry, brain hungry fists. The front doors are really tricky to open and lock with a solid steel bar. Tow hitches and electric winches provide the capability of quick tow away rescues and heavy machine gun mounts provide a long range fire-support.

Those who know me know that I joined the Marines in the hopes of someday participating in the quelling of a zombie uprising and when I realized that these vehicles were so ideal for my ideal mission, naturally I got excited.

Here in Iraq the vehicles are next to useless. They’re too bulky for the narrow streets. Mass transport is dangerous with the numerous IEDs. They’re slow. They’re as hard to get out of as into and they’re prone to getting stuck in soft sand. So logically they’re frequently used in day to day operations. I know that the only reason the United States Marine Corps would use out-dated vehicles like the 7-tons and humvees is that they are preparing: crouching, slowly tightening their haunches for one fierce spring onto the back of the innocent gazelle that is the world zombie population.

Beware all ye undead. The Marines are on to you…

El Pocket Lint